April 1, 2022: We're excited to announce that Grokio is partnering with 23andMe and to provide genomic-based advice to get you to your weight-gain goals: We call it 423andMe.
Our Grokio Labs technicians analyze your DNA, look for signifiers that helped your ancestors pack on the pounds, then provide custom advice to optimize your gains (spoiler alert: it's mostly carbs and butter).
How does it work?
First, we'll collect a drool sample from you. We suggest having someone wave a cheeseburger in front of your face until you start drooling like a butterball cartoon character--then capture some of that greasy drool in the trough we provide and mail your Drool Collection Kit into Grokio Labs.
Then sit back, relax and let science do the heavy lifting.
A Grokio Labs technician works on breakthrough technology that allows Grommr members to become so fat, they can break through walls like the Kool-Aid man.
Our Grokio Labs technicians will get to work, analyzing your DNA for markers associated with increased lipid retention and signifiers that may have helped your ancestors succumb to flabbin instead of famine. We'll also link your DNA patterns to others in the 423andMe database to find people you may be related to who are already serious chonkosaurs. Using these data points, our team of scientists will then identify the specific foods that your lardass DNA craves.
Finally, our Grokio Labs dieticians will construct the perfect scale-busting diet that will turn you into a chunked out, overstuffed pile of blubber. Whether your weight goal is 423 pounds or 4,230 pounds, we'll get you there. Thanks, science!
And best of all, you don't have to worry about any of the shenanigans pulled by other DNA analysis companies.*
Our first drool collection kits start mailing out today, April 1, 2022. Don't be a fool, sign up today!
To sign up, please send an e-mail to 423andmeisnotreal@grokiolabs.com
*We reserve the right to use your DNA to create any of the following: Fat clones; thin clones; thin clones who become fat clones; clones that say things like "Live, laugh, lunch"; ice cream clones; clones that are only capable of metabolizing "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray"; clones of clones; clones of those clones; oh God, we've made so many clones, what have we done?!?!; George Cloney.