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Our Grokio Labs technicians analyze your DNA, look for signifiers that helped your ancestors pack on the pounds, then provide custom advice to optimize your gains (spoiler alert: it's mostly carbs and butter).

How does it work?

First, we'll collect a drool sample from you. We suggest having someone wave a cheeseburger in front of your face until you start drooling like a butterball cartoon character--then capture some of that greasy drool in the trough we provide and mail your Drool Collection Kit into Grokio Labs.

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Our Grokio Labs technicians will get to work, analyzing your DNA for markers associated with increased lipid retention and signifiers that may have helped your ancestors succumb to flabbin instead of famine. We'll also link your DNA patterns to others in the 423andMe database to find people you may be related to who are already serious chonkosaurs. Using these data points, our team of scientists will then identify the specific foods that your lardass DNA craves.

A Grokio Labs technician works on breakthrough technology that allows Grommr members to become so fat, they can break through walls like the Kool-Aid man.

Finally, our Grokio Labs dieticians will construct the perfect scale-busting diet that will turn you into a chunked out, overstuffed pile of blubber. Whether your weight goal is 423 pounds or 4,230 pounds, we'll get you there. Thanks, science!

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To sign up, please send an e-mail to 423andmeisnotreal@grokiolabs.com

A Grokio Labs technician works on breakthrough technology that allows Grommr members to become so fat, they can break through walls like the Kool-Aid man.